I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
