Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
