well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i think im in europe. pls send help
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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