So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
