I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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