About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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