The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
