there's paper in my vomit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
