Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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