Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
