dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
