That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
