you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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