I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
