I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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