i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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