good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
