its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
