This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I lost the right to judge tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
