I'm lost and stupid without you.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can't just leave with hair like that
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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