found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
