Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
