There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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