Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
