I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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