puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
