I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
