i permit you to call me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
