If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
