hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
