Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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