Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
