drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
