Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
