you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
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gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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