Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
