You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
