don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
