I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
