Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize