someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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