Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
