dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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