at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
