i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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