She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What a dumb baby whore.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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