Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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