You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
