I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
