I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
