I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
