I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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