Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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