I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize