if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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