i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
