Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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