Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
