I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
