You made me cry and you don't even care
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
