now i know why i became what i already was.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dear god my vagina.
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