I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
